Blog – Page 2 – Kara Santokie, Ph.D.

What To Do When You Don’t Know What To…

January 24, 2018January 24, 2018
by Kara Santokie

“Just breathe.” “This too shall pass.” “You’ll grow and emerge from this stronger.” Do any or all of these sound familiar? When you’ve just lost your dog, your boyfriend, your job, or your good health, it all sounds great in theory, but easier said than done. And anyway, who on earth wants to sit and meditate on impermanence when the couch and a pint of Haagen-Dazs beckons (salted caramel ice-cream, anyone?)?

It can be especially annoying when you think that you know what to do in theory, but putting it into practice is SO MUCH HARDER. If you’re like me and you’re fond of reading everything about any kind of practice that promises to bring the reader a few steps closer to enlightenment, it can be a real let-down when moments that suck feel like, well, a moment that really, really sucks.

So what to do in such moments? Surprisingly, even though mindfulness meditation practice exhorts us to learn how to be present, at its heart is also a long-term method for more equanimous living. It won’t make bad stuff go away, help you to win the lottery, or make you look good in a swimsuit. It does, however, help to bring a measure of steadiness, an equilibrium of heart that fundamentally changes one’s relationship to both the highs and lows of living on an ongoing basis.

Practicing mindfulness meditation helps the practitioner to become more aware of what is happening, instead of scurrying off to some less painful but ultimately imaginary mental space. Similarly, this awareness helps equally with the full enjoyment of every nanosecond of pleasure, without getting carried away and trapped in a delicious fairy tale when it ends. In so doing, it adds a depth of experience that might not be felt otherwise. And in the process, we develop more and more ease with our real selves.

So when life bites, don’t try too hard to go someplace else, learn some abstract life lesson, or figure out how much better you will emerge from it. These things might come on their own anyway. But consider what would happen if you let yourself die to this very experience? Allow any thoughts, analyses and pre-determined judgments to fall away, and pay careful attention to what is unfolding in real time. Check it out and see, even if it’s savouring the next spoonful of ice-cream for a grand total of just 10 seconds. That’s 10 seconds of pure, unadulterated, sensate pleasure. Now, how did that compare to ruminating or daydreaming?

“Meditation practice isn’t about trying to throw ourselves away and become something better. It’s about befriending who we are already.” Pema Chodron

Kara Santokie, PhD, teaches guided mindfulness meditation to clients in Toronto, Canada.

guided mindfulness meditation

Learning How To Crawl

December 13, 2017April 23, 2018
by Kara Santokie

Do you ever feel like you’re in a hurry? Or that you need to be good at something, and that it should have already happened yesterday? I’m learning a lot these days about new things: trying to start a business, exploring uncharted aspects of my skills and abilities, figuring out what things I am simply not good at, and entering into that uncertain human space of shared intimacy. All of these things are uncomfortable, and I find myself wishing that I was already good at them. For example, I can make a really good curried chicken, sing a song, and play Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star on the cello. Surely I should be able to master everything else with equal speed and dexterity?

Even though we might know intellectually that good things don’t happen overnight, we still act as though they should, or that they even could. At the same time, newness can be a double-edged sword. It forces us to bend, and sometimes it makes us really vulnerable. When you have spent a long time thinking that you should be quite capable of having it all put together, as I have, vulnerability can be a difficult pill to swallow.

So what to do? Well, each and every time, begin again. And each time with a tiny bit more awareness than the last time, each time with infinite care and patience. Just as if you have never walked…still crawling on tender arms and legs, but never stopping because there is some undefined primordial knowledge inside of you that eventually you will stand up and walk.

Once upon a time I thought that I had the world at my feet. Now I’m being forced to explore it on my hands and knees. It’s taking a lot of getting used to, but guess what? I have finally realized that the view from down here can be pretty amazing also 🙂

“Think of the small as large and the few as many. Accomplish the great task by a series of small acts. The master never reaches for the great; thus he achieves greatness.” —Tao-te-ching, Lao Tzu

mindfulness meditation

How Long Is This Pause Anyway?

November 8, 2017
by Kara Santokie

As I type this, I am freezing. Locked in an ongoing battle over how cold my apartment is. I imagine this is what a polar bear stuck on a Caribbean island might feel like: intense dislike for every nanosecond of discomfort. But then I start dreaming about a Caribbean island…

Come back. I’m trying “to be with” the discomfort. Nope…not happening yet. My cold fingers and toes are screaming decibels for my attention. Take a deep breath, I say, and try to feel the middle ground. Umm…I’m cold. Make me warm. Right. Now. Nothing else will make me complete, happy, or fulfilled. For the rest of my life.

How long is this pause anyway? It’s really tempting to give up when things aren’t rosy. We tend to live at two extremes: happiness is having all of our ducks lined up in a row, nice and neat. The other extreme is our human tendency to pitch ourselves into the abject throes of aversion: why are things this way, we mentally demand of our reality, a hundred thousand times a minute? And it feels as if it’s lasting forever!

Deep down inside, I know that I am fighting (kicking! screaming at!) the cold feeling. When we get stuck in wondering how long the pause must last, it’s useful to remember that just as mindfulness is a muscle that is developed over time, so too is patience. This isn’t a promise of constant pleasantness, but it is a promise of more enduring equanimity.

Will I die of cold? Probably not (no matter what my unhappy mind thinks!). But the patience that is being cultivated will surely far outlive this frigid moment in time. Now to find my gloves 🙂

mindfulness meditation

Flying By The Seat of Your Pants

October 30, 2017October 30, 2017
by Kara Santokie

Have you ever felt that too many attempts at self-improvement have your knickers tied up in a knot? The end goals might sound great, but the constant perceived need to be something better can feel stressful in and of itself. While it can be useful to reflect upon our habits and aim to make wiser choices, it helps no-one when we beat up ourselves. In short, we’re often our own worst enemies.

Skipping the self-help doesn’t mean that we can’t appreciate how much we change every single day. Think back to your life last month or last year…did you do exactly the same things? Eat exactly the same foods? Think exactly the same thoughts?

Chances are, the answer is no. Our lives are constantly in flux, and staying present in each moment is the opening that we can use to be deliberate about initiating change without a descent into self-hatred when we feel that we’ve screwed up for what seems like the gazillionth time. Binged-watched Netflix yesterday instead of exercising? Polished off the entire box of Timbits? See it for what it is— an event that has passed, and come to know what is happening now. What choice shall I make in this moment?

If self-criticism arises, know this also without striving to fade, fix or change it. Observe it as it arises, up close and personal, until you know it so well that it starts to feel like an old friend. This can be strong stuff, and you might feel like you’re holding on to the seat of your pants while it’s happening— this means that you’re on to something! But riding these sometimes rocky emotional waves with awareness also means that you aren’t adding fuel to the fire. Knowing what is happening is different from diving face-first into a full-blown fantasy: no matter how compelling, delicious or wretched. And besides, as you know, you’re changing all the time. Whatever is happening is just another dimension of this unfolding.

Meditation practice helps you to learn how to harness the power of this awareness in your daily life. As we come to know our less helpful thought patterns and choices, we can insert the pause that allows for a new choice, in this brand new moment.

So next time you start to feel the squeeze, take a tiny moment to allow yourself a pause. It might just be the most refreshing thing that you will ever do 🙂