Blog – Kara Santokie, Ph.D.

The Paradox of Freedom

March 17, 2019July 17, 2020
by Kara Santokie

What, really, is enlightenment? The word “meditation” often conjures up images of being in some kind of blissed out state, never to be bothered by another problem again. However, the truth is that enlightenment is quite an everyday experience- a very ordinary joy, kind of like a rudder that steadies the ship as we sail through life. It steadies the heart and prevents us from being tossed around by our preferences.

How can this be achieved? When we are willing to give up on the belief that worldly sources of pleasure will create lasting happiness. Note the word ‘belief’! This definitely doesn’t mean giving up on fun things or enjoying oneself. Whew! Nor do we need to be a hermit in a cave. However, during meditation, when we give up on buying into our thoughts, we practice the art of giving up on the endless parade of mental delights that woo us all day, every day. Now I need to check social media. Now I need a coffee. And a cookie. Now I need my phone. Now I need to get rid of this annoying person. Now I need a new life.

Now I feel stressed because I don’t have any of these things!

Consider the example of deciding to give up cupcakes. The usual momentary feeling when we want a cupcake is suffering- if I don’t have this cupcake right now, nothing else in the world will make me happy. Nothing. Else. Dammit!

But this feeling of lack in the moment that we really, really want something is the perfect moment for a sacred pause. In the long run, does this cupcake really make me happy? We’re not really giving up the cupcake itself. Rather, we’re giving up the belief that the cupcake will bring lasting happiness, as opposed to fully recognizing it as a momentary pleasure, and perhaps deliberately choosing to enjoy it as such.

When we change our habits or overcome our addictions, at least temporarily, we create the space to appreciate the fact that it is something much deeper inside of us, something much more profound, that can afford a sense of lasting happiness and well-being.

Real freedom comes from seeing the truth behind this moment-to-moment masquerade: this feeling that something is missing and grabbing for the thing that we think will bring pleasure. We often run around believing that we need to have something else, do something else, be something else, or be with someone else.

However, when we give up on these false notions of ourselves, this is enlightenment! So, use the thing that you give up (cupcakes?!) as a reminder of this. Real freedom comes from the spiritual discipline of recognizing the nature of reality: the ephemeral quality of many of our desires, and the constant tendency to want things to be different. This awareness then affords us the choice to relinquish these things, and it is completely liberating.

And that’s the paradox of freedom 🙂

Kara Santokie, PhD, is the Executive Director of Real Life Meditation. She teaches mindfulness meditation in Toronto, Canada.

guided mindfulness meditation

Birthday Blues

November 21, 2018
by Kara Santokie

I turn 38 today! Birthday Blues is a song that my choir sings…a fun, irreverent, slap-dash kind of birthday ode to joy. In this spirit, I’ve decided to bang out a few words about birthdays and birthday blues…

38 feels older (ugh!) and wiser (yay!), yet still full of future possibility. It feels disappointing and irritating, but also with a greater command of knowledge and experience. It still has regrets, but it must also admit to moments of unique pleasures. It’s kind of the twilight thirties, but this latter phase holds much curiosity about what happens next.

38 has awareness of emotional chaos, existential angst, and a sense of where I tend to meet my edge. It has regular coffee dates with doubt and uncertainty. And, it has an extremely resilient ego (remember all that stuff you accomplished in your late teens, twenties and early thirties? What’s up now? DO SOMETHING!!!).

But now, after some years of meditation practice, 38 also brings with it quiet assurance, strength, and some priceless gifts. Not least of these is the constant reminder that awareness conveys— a real sense that now, there isn’t a moment to lose. That whatever I’m doing from this moment on, I don’t want to spend my time being mentally lost: re-doing, re-wishing, and re-playing. And I get the gift of practicing this, right now. Even if it’s for 5 seconds, small enlightenments count big time 🙂

This is all very human, and correcting course is a lifelong journey. Yet, life may be very long or very short. Whether the current flavour is gloriousness or wretchedness, we all have the choice of freedom in the present moment. I have this choice today… in the flip of the Gregorian calendar, from 37 to 38. That’s also freaking awesome…another kind of ode to joy, available at any time 🙂 Happy birthday to me!

Kara Santokie, PhD, is the Executive Director of Real Life Meditation. She teaches mindfulness meditation in Toronto, Canada.

guided mindfulness meditation

Kara’s Guide to the Ultimate Selfie

October 16, 2018October 16, 2018
by Kara Santokie

Do you enjoy taking selfies? Technology now allows this in a way that is unparalleled in human history. But it’s also a double-edged sword. It’s awesome to be able to capture memories with a simple touch of a cell phone, to share with friends and family. However, if used thoughtlessly, it can also feed vanity, insecurities, and addiction. Like Narcissus, we can become lost in our own image, to the potential tune of 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week.

Cell phone overuse effectively wipes out our real lived experience, as we become completely absorbed in an artificial electronic landscape that has been deliberately designed to be addictive. We literally lose our way in the endless search for the next dopamine hit, fuelled by comments, emojis and “likes.” We also forget to fully appreciate what is right before our eyes, when we become too busy trying to get a selfie of whatever is happening instead.

Taking a selfie to capture an experience is different from experiencing the experience.

This is not to demonize selfies or cell phones! But how do we find balance? Researchers have found that in our chronically stressed and overworked society today, people on their deathbeds never say, “I wish that I had spent more time at work.” I’m willing to bet than in a few years, researchers will also find that dying folks never say, “I wish that I had taken more selfies” or “I wish that I had spent more time on my cellphone/IPad/laptop.” Dying people almost always reflect on real people and real lived experiences, like travel, creating something new, and doing some good in the world.

So where do you want to end up? And how will you spend your time as you journey there?

Meditation is a selfie for the soul. We take a moment to step outside of ourselves, our churning thoughts, and our own very important dramas and opinions. We sit and observe ourselves, i.e., “the self,” and we get the opportunity to appreciate our triggers, habitual reactions, longstanding wounds, and the tender places of vulnerability (why am I not getting more “likes”?!). This is like unlocking a treasure chest…we learn about our own essential nature, and the path to true lasting happiness.

And once we are off the cushion, we understand how to bring this real self to really live each experience, like seeing a new place or painting with our real eyes, or hearing a band play live music in real time, not through an electronic lens or video which detracts from the enjoyment of the moment as it unfolds. Real, unadulterated joy.

So the next time you feel an impulse to pull out your cell phone, try savouring the experience with all five senses instead. Caution: extra happiness may be a side effect 🙂

Kara Santokie, PhD, teaches mindfulness meditation in Toronto, Canada.

guided mindfulness meditation

I Have No Time To Rush

August 13, 2018August 13, 2018
by Kara Santokie

Has your mind ever felt like a freight train, rushing headlong into the next thing with nary a moment for a breath? Or caught up in a frightfully delicious fantasy of what would it be like if so-and-so did so-and-so, and then I could say so-and-so. Then (only then!), I would be soooo happy!!! We do this with a lot of aspects of our lives: our minds create elaborate miniature fantasy worlds, right down to the tiniest detail. The perfect job, the perfect partner, the perfect wedding dress, and the perfect little family. Unruffled relationships and events that tumble seamlessly towards our preferences with complete certainty, stroking our egos along the way and affirming our self-worth.

But then, unhappiness inevitably rears its ugly head precisely because all of these things are a fantasy. They have no existence in objective reality. And we tend to be so busy trying to get to the next person or thing that we fail to connect the dots and figure out what has caused this suffering in the first place.

This fabrication comes from the illusion of certainty. Deep down inside, it’s what we really want. Yet, our lives are filled with exactly the opposite: a great deal of messy uncertainty that no amount of trying, pulling, pushing, re-arranging or scheming will eliminate. This could be for tiny things, or it could be for really big things. And it can be very helpful to pause in meditation practice, and become familiar with our thought patterns in this regard.

Last week, someone pointed out to me that I tend to take on every challenge that comes my way. Every time, without fail. The words had never been articulated to me before, and after an initial shock, it felt more like a calm homecoming: yes, it was completely true. Furthermore, I don’t actually have to take on every challenge, and doing so hasn’t increased my happiness. I just assumed that this was what strong women did. I’m a strong woman, ergo, I Will Never Back Down! Kind of like Super Girl. And incidentally, how cool would it be to wear a cute costume and fly around the city? That’s Part II of my fantasy!

So for now, I’m gently working on breaking the addiction to this human desire for certainty, and replacing it with only one challenge: to respond to uncertainty with a sense of nobility and grace. Change is inevitable. And I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’m not actually Super Girl 🙂

I invite you to bring this into your meditation practice, observing your thoughts, and noting with compassion when they gravitate towards wanting things to be a certain way, or pushing against change. Then practice living your real life, the one that is happening right now as opposed to the mental fabrication that’s inside your head.

Live every moment, as you have never lived before. In the words of the incomparable Tara Brach, “I have no time to rush.”

-Kara Santokie, PhD. teaches mindfulness meditation in Toronto, Canada.

guided mindfulness meditation

A Love Affair To Remember

June 15, 2018June 15, 2018
by Kara Santokie

For many of us as humans, our lives follow a particular trajectory. We might have one, two or even a few times in our lives when we fall in love with someone. Heady, passionate, and addictive. We can’t wait to hear the sound of her/his voice again. Until it turns catastrophic, excruciating, and completely soul-wrenching when love inevitably ends and hearts are broken (whether by mutual parting, rejection, or death).

Outside of romantic love in our daily lives, we’re guaranteed to have happy times, miserable times and fairly neutral times. However, how much of our lives can we honestly say has been spent in feeling comfortable with ourselves regardless of our external circumstances? Content with who we are and with the way things are, and not wishing for things to be different?

This can be a difficult thing, especially after years of being unconsciously programmed by our moment-to-moment desires. It can be hard to differentiate between the things that are ephemeral and those that will produce an enduring sense of equanimity. And let’s face it, those ephemeral things can feel pretty darn sweet! Dopamine, anyone?

When we are feeling sad, lonely, disappointed in ourselves, or just in sore need of some comfort, our (perfectly natural) human tendency is to try to ease the pain somehow. The perfect love affair- with a person, an object (like food or drugs), or even an activity (like video games, exercise or sex).

In one of his final messages, the Buddha addressed his beloved attendant Ananda thus:

“Therefore, O Ananda, be a lamp unto yourself.
Betake yourself to no external refuge.
Hold fast to the Truth as a lamp.
Hold fast to the Truth as a refuge.”

In this famous sutta, the Buddha is talking about the mirage of the perfect love affair. So, what if instead of seeking a love affair with a person, thing or activity outside of ourselves, we cultivate a relationship with ourselves? That is, a deep and meaningful relationship with the truth of the way things are with us right now. A relationship takes work, and isn’t characterized by the trance-like intoxication of an early love affair. It’s grown-up, is more reliant on commitment and wisdom, and is more steadfast through thick and thin. Can we simply observe the way things really are? With compassion and patient endurance, and without generating suffering by constantly fighting our reality?

This is the opposite of navel-gazing, and it definitely isn’t narcissism. Self-absorption usually obscures the truth of the way things are. Mindfulness helps to illuminate it.

Our relationship with ourselves is the most important one of our lives. It begins and ends with us alone, with our very first and last breath. We translate the Pali word “sati” as mindfulness, but it more literally means “to remember.” So the next time you feel the gnawing temptation of wanting something external to soothe your soul but which your heart knows to be unwise, try “to remember” the potential consequences of your actions on this most important love relationship. The beautiful you, the one who has loved you all your life. Betake yourself to no external refuge 🙂

guided mindfulness meditation

The Definition of Equanimity

May 22, 2018May 23, 2018
by Kara Santokie

A couple of posts back, I wrote about the definition of insanity– doing the same thing time and again, and expecting a different result each time. We get a handle on this insanity (and huge congrats when you do!) in order to come closer to its antithesis, i.e., equanimity. Is it possible to live in a way that embodies sane, thoughtful responses to the inevitable vicissitudes of life? A life that is characterized by a steadiness of heart that neither excludes nor clings to the waves of feelings and emotions that are the hallmark of what it means to be human?

Equanimity has the potential to sound passive, boring, crazy or even unattainable. How on earth do you keep it together when you’ve just been fired from your job, or your partner has just blind-sided you? Isn’t it normal and healthy to enjoy pleasant experiences such as sex, dinner with loved ones or a walk with the dog? Shouldn’t we be doing something if we’re about to be attacked like, umm, hitting the robber and running away?

Equanimity never means doing nothing. It also doesn’t mean that we don’t feel anything. Indeed, it’s quite the opposite. Stepping into equanimity is a conscious decision to fully inhabit this human life. So, instead of engaging with the endless march of internal mind-chatter, when we really pay attention to what’s happening, our experience of sensations becomes heightened. Pleasure is that much pleasurable, whether it’s an amazing dessert, a romantic sunset, or a favourite song. We also feel our pain- every exquisitely excruciating moment as it rises and falls away. In so doing, we decrease the suffering that follows when we try to push pain away, running ourselves in circles and inevitably hurting even more. Everything belongs, and we experience it all fully.

Equanimity means that life no longer fazes us. The heart experiences whatever is happening. Yet, at the same time, the heart can achieve a deliverance from clinging when the pleasant experience inevitably passes away, and pushing and fighting when something is unpleasant.

This journey towards a state of equanimity is far from passive or boring. It requires courage, patience and endless compassion with ourselves, because we have been so deeply conditioned to mentally spin off, grasp, or attempt to refuse certain experiences. We might even observe ourselves doing the same insane thing time and again. Raise your hands if you’ve been there (I certainly have)! But if we practice paying attention and coming back to whatever is really happening, we are taking steps to unlock this ingrained pattern. Then we can respond or make changes if needed, but instead, it comes from a more skillful place. For example, we may need to have an honest conversation with a difficult relative, but we probably don’t need to lose our temper and descend into a screaming match. And we may definitely need to smack the robber and run.

The equanimous heart is a heart that is ready for anything. Through careful, patient observation, we can cultivate this steadiness- becoming more aware of our thoughts, feeling and emotions is an important first step. And the reward? Life in full living colour. What could be better? 🙂

Music

The Loss of the Beautiful

April 23, 2018April 23, 2018
by Kara Santokie

My beloved music teacher, David Samuel Miller, has passed away unexpectedly. I haven’t quite wrapped my head around the fact that I will never see him again. I am only now very slowly, with each passing hour, realizing the enormity of the impact that he had on my life. And, as is so often the case with those whom we love, there are many things that I wish I could get a chance to say, or even just a kiss goodbye.

Chief amongst these is the fact that he led me to the most beautiful sound that I have ever heard, resonating from an instrument that I don’t yet fully understand, and changing my entire life. He taught me how to hear the music before I even put the bow to the string, and how to sing it if I still couldn’t figure it out. It is a priceless gift, and can be compared to nothing else. Now, I no longer hear the cello with my ears. My body hears it; it vibrates through my soul, and demands everything of me. I wish that I could express my gratitude for all of this, but I’m only just now figuring it out through the shock of his death. It’s like sitting backwards on a train that’s only ever moving forward.

David was also one of those precious few people in life who could understand me without any extra explanation being necessary. I could say anything, and how wonderful it was to be so fully understood. We talked about music, the meaning of life, human nature, and boyfriends. What emotions a particular sonata provoked, the latest in politics, was Brahms really in love with Clara Schumann, and whether women and men were really very different after all.

He took pride in my accomplishments, and always listened when I needed to vent.

Whatever random non-cello music I wanted to play, he would compose a cello part, just for me, even when I lived on the other side of the world. When I lost my job, he taught me for free. When I was in low spirits after that, he told me stories about what Beethoven went through when he started to go deaf. When I was too depressed to play, he was infinitely patient, and never gave up on me. As a consequence, I never stopped being a cellist, even though everything else in my world was falling apart. And now, as I’m finally coming back together, he is gone.

I’m still (and probably always will be) just a baby cellist, but that’s ok. Because I’m so lucky to have been blessed with an incomparably compassionate and talented teacher, mentor, and father figure. A very beautiful part of my life has ended. As cellists, we are so much poorer for his departure.

I think he knew that I loved him. I have always felt loved, from the moment I first held a bow seven years ago.

Go well, my sweet and beautiful friend. Thank you for the music.

guided mindfulness meditation

The Definition of Insanity

March 15, 2018
by Kara Santokie

How would you classify your mental status? Most of us probably think of ourselves as pretty ‘normal’ folks, i.e., lucid, stable, with none of the more significant mental health challenges that fall outside the boundaries of socially acceptable norms. But are we really? I realized over the weekend that in some very real ways, I am insane. Yes, for real. When it comes to certain issues, I am downright irrational.

How exactly? I had just finished a difficult telephone conversation, after which I marvelled at how each and every time I spoke with this particular loved one, I consistently worked myself up into a tizzy whilst I helpfully pointed out the irrationality of the other person’s actions. By the time I hung up, I was no longer irritated with anyone except myself— how is it that I managed to get caught each and every time? Surely, I should know better. I meditate, after all! I could set my watch by my entirely predictable pattern.

I decided to share my irritation with a friend. He, in turn, politely pointed out that I was insane: doing the same thing over and over, and hoping for a different result each time. Oh. The simplicity of this truth left me speechless (no easy task!). And the logic was indisputable.

How often do we do this? Really often, I would wager, when it comes to the things that really get our goat. Perhaps even daily. Yet, if we pause to examine the truth of what happens every time, how often have we actually swung the tides of fortune in our favour through harsh words or actions? Indeed, who in this history of the universe has ever said to us, “Thank you for yelling at me. I have now seen the error of my ways. For the rest of my life, I will always act exactly as you wish.”

Said no-one ever.

This particular mental health issue is mercifully easy to fix, and comes with a multitude of amazing health benefits. Meditation can help us to bring attention to these habitual patterns that unfold again and again in real life moments off the cushion. Are we simply thinking the same old thing, saying the same old thing, doing the same old thing? Have we gotten a different result? If not, what is to be gained from continuing in this way?

Let’s do ourselves the world’s biggest favour right in this moment and end our insanity. So, the next time something threatens your micro-world order, infuse it with a breath of fresh air. Then try doing something different 🙂

guided mindfulness meditation

Astonished at Astonishment

February 26, 2018
by Kara Santokie

For some inexplicable reason that I cannot quite fathom, change still surprises me. It’s crazy, I know, since things are changing all the time. Yet, significant deviations from equilibrium still manage to confound me, as if I’ve somehow convinced myself that despite all logical evidence to the contrary, this time, some particular arrangement or state of affairs that I enjoyed would stay exactly as it was: nice, neat and orderly, just the way I like it.

This is a tough nut to crack…it’s one of the foundational truths taught by the Buddha, in addition to being so obviously very, very true. Just when you’re starting to get comfortable…boom! The neighbour starts playing loud music right in the middle of your meditation sit, you have a fight with your parents, you drop a bowl of curry all over your nice dress. Bleh. It happens all the time.

But then the things that I do want to change remain SO DARN sticky. I swear, I have tried to give up dairy products a million times, except when fresh chai is wafting in front of my nose…creamy, silky smooth cardamom deliciousness that throws all resolutions out the window. Tastebuds have defeated tummy, yet again, and things stay the same.

This is still very much a work in progress. But I came across a Mary Oliver poem this morning that I found very helpful, whilst reading Judson’s Brewer wonderful book on craving and addiction:

“Instructions for living a life:
Pay attention
Be astonished
Tell about it.”

So perhaps what’s needed is to pay attention to my astonishment, instead of directing energy to becoming newly astonished at my astonishment when things change. Paying attention to astonishment means stepping off the wheel, at least for a little bit. And, what you learn from paying attention may, in and of itself, be quite astonishing! I’m going to check this out for a while, and you should also. Then let’s tell each other about it 🙂

guided mindfulness meditation

Real Life Acknowledgment

February 15, 2018February 15, 2018
by Kara Santokie

Do you ever wish that you could bargain with fate? If I get so-and-so, I’ll never tell a lie again. If so-and-so happens, I’ll never behave badly for the rest of my life. As a child, I used to think that if I did certain things in a certain way, I would get whatever I wanted…life would surely go my way.

I’m embarrassed to admit that I still engage in bargaining, but these days, there’s far less child-like innocence to explain it away. It’s more like an elaborate mental drama that unfolds in my mind about what I would do about x, y or z; how I would react; what I would and wouldn’t say; what the other person would and wouldn’t say; and what the exact sequence of events would look like. What amazing future is waiting in the wings to unfold. What torturous future is lurking in the shadows, waiting for me to misstep and how I will avoid it. In every circumstance, I am the epitome of poise, grace and equanimity. Yup…that’s me. Every. Single. Time.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, I am rarely the epitome of anything, and I am very often the queen of all-that-is-imaginary. And while I’m busy doing the very important work of mental bargaining in my imaginary life, my real life remains somewhat neglected and grossly underappreciated.

I am slowly realizing that when this state of affairs has gone on for too long, real life will often find a way to give a nudge (or bite, or kick in the bum) in order to be acknowledged. It’s a bit like how things in nature try to move back towards equilibrium, or even how man-made social constructs like the stock market will try to correct itself. This can happen in the tiniest of ways, such as cutting myself yesterday whilst preparing lunch because my mind was too busy elsewhere: “which e-mail should I answer first after eating?” quickly got replaced by direct attention to the blood spurting out of my finger. And it can happen in enormous ways, such as when someone close tells me that I freak out at the mention of certain topics (politics, feminism), whilst in my mind I am patient, gentle and fully capable of rational discussion (of course!). I was forced to re-examine the truth of how I really respond to any perceived dissonance in the issues that I care most about.

Our real lives will always eventually demand to be acknowledged. And as with all relationships, this relationship with real life is one that can be cultivated, be kept real, and be navigated with love. Keeping our real life close at hand and fully inhabited rewards us with a breadth of possibilities for both skilful action and inaction (i.e., not everything needs a reaction every time, not even feminism!). Plus, real life will never abandon you, cheat on you, or give you back-talk. Although if it could talk, it might say something like, “When was the last time we did something together?” or “You don’t bring me flowers anymore.” It’s really as simple as coming back to the present each time our thoughts fly to the imaginary. Then we realize that there is no-one and nothing to bargain with. Only we ourselves are here, just as we are.

So as we’re busy pondering the various permutations of love on the heels of Valentine’s Day, remember also your real and natural dwelling place in the present moment. An acknowledgment of real life is really just an acknowledgement of yourself, and this can be done with love. And instead of bargaining, as Tara Brach so beautifully advises, “make love of yourself perfect.” 🙂